••• June 2017 Issue •••

 

 

Will Durst

Best Radioactive Spider. Ever.

 

Donald John Trump is keeping people busy. He’s got staffers, lawyers, streaming news alert editors, impeachment historians, ethics investigators, hair spray manufacturers, Putin watchers, real estate interpreters, all frantically flapping and squawking like a flock of seagulls outside a sardine plant at low tide.

 

Watch any of the network or cable news broadcasts and you instantly note that all the anchors are exhausted. Their “Breaking News” graphic… broke. Half of Washington has gone deaf, what with all the bombshells exploding with little or no warning around their tiny Beltway heads.

 

A majority of the president’s problems seem self- inflicted. Broken- racketed unforced errors. The Apprentice Chief Executive has made more missteps than the last place finisher in a drunken hopscotch tournament with a watch cap pulled over his eyes on cobblestones. Every time someone escorts the blonde bull out of Ye Olde China Shoppe, he sneaks around back and butts his way through another wall just because he loves the sound of breaking crystal.

 

Immediately after firing FBI Director James Comey, the president called him “a nut job” and shared classified intelligence with two Russian diplomats. But then the White House assured the country that Mr. Trump was never in possession of any intelligence he could have shared. And America is totally willing to believe that whole “not in possession of any intelligence” part.

 

In defense of this disclosure of classified Israeli intel, Trump claims he can say anything to anybody at anytime because as President he has special powers. Apparently he was bitten by a radioactive spider. But the biggest and best and most beautifulest of any radioactive spider that anyone has ever seen. This was a huuuuuuuge radioactive spider. Everyone is talking about it.

 

To say his last week was rocky is like intimating the glove compartment of a car crushed by a compactor is not the best place to store beer. Inexplicably, Trump told the Economist magazine he invented the phrase “priming the pump” which according to Webster’s has been in general usage since 1933. He’s King of the Inexplicable.

 

Next he’ll maintain he’s responsible for the phrase “out of control dumpster fire” as well. Of course, he has provided one heck of a high bar for all future comparisons.

 

Deputy Attorney General Rosenstein felt compelled to appoint a Special Prosecutor to get to the bottom of possible Russian collusion and obstruction of justice and all- round, random mendacity. The fastest any president in history has been targeted with a special prosecutor. Ever. In less than 4 months, he’s gone from zero to Nixon.

 

Getting the hell out of Dodge, the President embarked on a 9 day, 5 city foreign tour visiting Saudi Arabia, Israel, Belgium and the Vatican. For a guy who hates to travel and goes off script like a five year old at “Everything’s Free Day” at Disneyland, visiting the centers of 3 world religions offers more hidden minefields than walking barefoot in the dark through the western sand dunes of Egypt.

 

POTUS 45’s first overseas trip culminates at the G- 7 conference in Taormina, Italy. The G- 7 used to be known as the G- 8 until Russia was kicked out for annexing Crimea. But now that they’ve annexed us, are they back in the loop? Perhaps that’s a question better suited for the special prosecutor. Time to take the Fifth. Of Scotch.

 

Will Durst is an award- winning, nationally acclaimed columnist, comic and former dishwasher at Sandburg Hall at UWM. For a calendar of personal appearances including the premiere of his one man show “Durst Case Scenario” at the Theatre on San Pedro Square May 26- 28, please visit willdurst.com

 

 

••• May 2017 Issue •••

Bad Hair Wars:

Enterprising entrepreneurs out there might want to invest in a fleet of tractor backhoes and partial ownership of a limestone quarry, because it’s starting to look like bunker- digging time in America. The threat of nuclear war is spiking like the needle of a meat thermometer on a lava- flow.

 

Won’t be long before all the Marts; K, Wal, Quickie and the rest, start advertising red, white and blue specials on duct tape and plastic wrap. Survivalist sales. Civilization closeouts. Mankind markdowns.

 

Various parts of the country are reacting differently. In the south, they’re hoarding grits and preserving tomatoes while California stockpiles cases of organic, heirloom, artisanal, gluten- free cannellini beans from the northwest district of the Tuscany region. Golden State bunkers have hardwood floors and a view.

 

While President Trump is busy dropping healthy payloads of big- d Democracy on various Mideast miscreants, North Korea’s Kim Jong Un has started to kick demilitarized sand in our face, sticking out his nuclear tongue and wagging thumbs in his ears. Might not even be his own thumbs. Could be his uncle’s thumbs.

 

It’s 1950 all over again. A brand new serving of the old Cold War with a little kimchi on the side. The difference being the sequel is destined be televised in color and not a single General MacArthur can be found. This time both combatants are overseen by Mad Dogs.

 

We should have known the Beloved Leader would flip out, having been recently supplanted atop the prestigious “World’s Wackiest Leader with the Weirdest Hair” list. An award that had been in his family for generations. That was the Kim legacy. Poor little chubby Korean kid had one thing going for him, and Trump took it away.

 

Interesting to note the two have more in common than worst commander- in- chief haircuts in history. They also have rabid- mammal with cut- paw temperaments. Complicated family relationships. A penchant for rearranging cabinets on a whim. Although removal from the North Korean circle of influence does tend be a tad more permanent.

 

The Pentagon might be taking the whole thing more seriously if Pyongyang were to develop a delivery system more efficient than a team of musk oxen. Their missiles have a disquieting habit of blowing up on the launch pad like Pop Tarts in a malfunctioning toaster during a power surge.

 

But the jeopardy is legitimate enough to have spurred Vice President Mike Pence to rattle a few sabers on the south end of the DMZ, where he pronounced the US was about to abandon its “failed policy of strategic patience.” Which sounds suspiciously like “straighten up and fly right or someone’s going to bed without dinner. Again.”

 

President Trump even reversed a campaign pledge to label China a currency manipulator in hopes that North Korea’s adult neighbor to the north will keep on eye on the local juvenile delinquent and apply the appropriate economic spanking if necessary. With a leather belt studded with ivory.

 

After all, China has a vested interest in seeing that nothing happens to us, since we owe them trillions of dollars. It’s a smart dealer that keeps his best junkie from getting beaten up. It’s all so very exciting that every day without a mushroom cloud should be considered a victory. Although, some might call that a bit too exciting.

 

Will Durst is an award-winning columnist, comic and former short order cook at a downtown diner in Waukesha, Wisconsin. For a list of upcoming appearances, visit willdurst.com.

 

••• April Issue •••

Ordeal and Disgrace

It has been assailed as the end of democracy. Vilified as a form of slavery. Denigrated, denounced and disparaged. But like a blind, three- legged dog named “Lucky,” against all odds, the Affordable Care Act has survived and remains the law of the land.

For 7 years the GOP has beaten President Obama’s signature legislation until they and everyone around them were covered in a fine red mist. In the face of a guaranteed veto by the man they nicknamed the bill after, the Republican House of Representatives voted to repeal it over 60 times, but the first chance they got as a majority, with a sure- fire presidential signature, they choked like a skinny- necked goose being force- fed gravel.

Their oft- repeated mantra was “Repeal and replace” but when push came to shove, they resorted to “Ordeal and disgrace.” “Raw deal and lose face.” “Surreal and deface.”

For the new President, it was a lesson in Government 101. The head of Trump University got himself schooled. The learning curve for Apprentice Chief Executives looks to be a mite steeper than the reverse trajectory of a bundled tax return wrapped around a vodka bottle thrown off the roof of Trump Tower.

Trump’s legitimate shock at the turn of events seems to indicate he hadn’t been paying attention the last couple of years. And this could very well be why, traditionally, the presidency has not been an entry- level position.

This, the very same consummate Deal Maker that earlier asked, “Who knew health care could be so complicated?” Um. Everybody. Except you. Again.

In defeat, the author of “The Art of the Deal,” blasted everyone; the Democrats, the media, Nancy Pelosi, Paul Ryan, Charles Barkley, until finally placing the blame for the scuttling of Trump Care on his own right wing’s Freedom Caucus. The group that demanded concessions, received them, then still wouldn’t vote for the bill. With friends like those, who needs lizard- like, alien invaders?

The problem was, after eliminating standards for minimum benefits including ambulances, hospitalization, prescriptions, maternity care, drug and mental heath treatment, pediatric services, emergency services and labs, the American Health Care Act was less health insurance and more malady assurance.

24 million citizens were estimated to lose health care coverage under the AHCA and that was before the total vivisection of the bill. Making passage even stickier since moderates ran away like avocados leaving Mexico the week before the Super Bowl.

The group switched its name from Tea Party to Freedom Caucus, because they’re fighting for the freedom of all Americans to die without government intervention. To them, compromise isn’t just a dirty word, it’s a hanging offense. Even with the rope strung around their own necks, they are resolute as glue- footed moths on a porch light.

Now Trump says he’s moving on, because “The best thing we can do, politically speaking, is let Obama Care explode.” That’s what you want from a leader. Someone willing to sacrifice. His constituents.

But moving on isn’t a total lock either. He hasn’t yet said, “Who knew that a border wall or tax reform or rebuilding our infrastructure could be so complicated,” but now that the Tea Partiers have the taste of blood in their mouths, he might. The best news for all concerned is that Obama Care still covers depression.

 

Will Durst is an award-winning, nationally acclaimed columnist, comic and former theater director in Milwaukee. For a calendar of appearances, including his upcoming week at the San Francisco Punch Line April 12- 15, visit willdurst.com.

 

•••March Issue •••

Invisible People:

 

Donald Trump is the political reincarnation of Tina Turner; like her, he doesn’t do anything nice and easy. Also, they’re both Type A personalities who expend a lot of energy but hardly move at all. And famous for high-maintenance hair.

Since his January coronation, the New York City real estate developer turned Leader of the Free World has partied like it’s 1939, issuing polarizing edict after polarizing edict. The surprising thing is Fox News hasn’t started to refer to him as Chancellor Trump. Or Gropenfuhrer. Yet.

Traditionally, a newly elected, first- time president hits the ground running with hand outstretched in a gesture of sociability, solidarity and camaraderie. Not Donny John. He hit the ground whining, with a fistful of disdain for everyone he slapped upside the head: Democrats, Republicans, the media, Iran, Mexico, Great Britain, the media, his own Cabinet appointments, refugees, the media, the NSC, TSA, and National Park Service. And don’t forget the media.

Experts theorized the weight of the White House would settle him down but alas, no such luck. He’s still up till all hours tweeting out a barrage of alternative facts, choosy truths, questionable veracities and marginal actualities that reflect a reality only he can see. As fluid and murky as the Potomac River.

What little presidential honeymoon he enjoyed ended long before the cake was cut. The groom ditched the bride and boogied across the floor alone performing a solo victory dance in front of a mirror. As graceful as an angry anvil.

You could describe his movements since as jerky, spasmodic and frenzied, like when he obsessed over the election being stolen. Ignoring the fact that he won. Even 46’s own staff is having problems negotiating his tricky hairpins turns. Not only does the emperor have no clothes, his skin is really thin and kind of blotchy.

According to the most aerodynamically coiffed president in history, 3 to 5 million undocumented aliens illegally cast ballots for Hillary Clinton causing him to lose the popular vote. It’s the only possible answer. Because how could Donald Trump not be associated with whatever was most popular? It’s unthinkable and unpresidented.

President Trump loves his invisible people. And there’s tons of them. The invisible people who cast fraudulent ballots- totally different than the invisible people who came to Washington to be part of the largest crowd ever to witness an Inauguration but conveniently vanished when aerial photographs were taken. Maybe they’re shy.

And neither of those two groups of invisible people should be confused with the thousands of invisible people who celebrated in New Jersey after the World Trade Center came down. Which only he saw. Maybe it’s a Sixth Sense sort of thing; “I see non- existent people.” No wonder Bruce Willis supported him.

During the rest of his first term, we can expect an expansion of Trump’s hallucination theme. Much time will be spent discussing ghosts and leprechauns and sprites and phantoms and pixies and the vast legions of his invisible enemies.

Turns out Donald Trump doesn’t just have a vision for this country, he has an X- ray vision for this country. He’s like Clark Kent only less buff and way blonder. It was bound to happen: America finally has its first super hero President: Erratic-Man.

 

Copyright © 2017, Will Durst. Will Durst is an award-winning, nationally acclaimed columnist, comedian and former bus boy at Dante’s Sea Catch on Pier 39 in San Francisco, California. For a calendar of personal appearances, please visit willdurst.com.

 

 

 

•••February Issue •••

The First 100 Days:

 

As extraordinary as it sounds, Donald J. Trump is now the 45th President of the United States. Which is mind-boggling. Like making John Goodman the cover model for this year’s Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue. Kim Kardashian- appointed chief scientist at the Atomic Energy Lab. Colin Kaepernick in charge of WikiLeaks.

 

The liberals’ last best hopes were dashed on Inauguration Day when the Mango Mussolini put his hand on the Bible and didn’t burst into flames. The preacher said the rain that started to fall as DJT took the oath was a good omen in the Bible. Yeah, tell that to Noah.

 

The speech was darker than the Cleveland Browns’ offseason. Kind of a cross between Nixon and Voldermort. “It’s Mourning in America.” Trump will be a president for all Americans except the Muslims, Mexicans, losers, whiners, idiots and nasty women, especially the fat disgusting ones.

 

But now our attention turns not to the real estate developer’s vitriolic tweets but his diabolic feats. What is the agenda of the Tweeter of the Free World? Here’s what might go down over the rest of the first 100 days of the Donald Trump Experience:

 

January 31. Day 11. Trump trademarks “White House” and banks a royalty every time the press shows or mentions it.

 

February 12. Day 23. Congress repeals Obama Care and replaces it with Trump Care, which covers nobody but is advertised as “much more incredibly tremendous.”

 

February 21. Day 32. An Executive Order makes it illegal to use the words “climate” and “change” in the same sentence.

 

March 7. Day 46. The President tweets a major nuclear reduction pact with Russia.

 

March 8. Day 47. The President tweets a major boost in our nuclear arsenal to intimidate Russia.

 

March 9. Day 48. The President tweets a major merger with Russia. The two countries will now be known as the USSSR East & West.

 

March 12. Day 51. The White House™ press is moved to the basement of a bar in Bethesda, Maryland.

 

March 18. Day 57. Eric and Donald Jr. are apprehended shooting pandas at the National Zoo with RPGs.

 

March 24. Day 63. California Governor Jerry Brown authorizes barricades at all state entrances and begins to charge a $15 cover and a two-drink minimum to enter “Golden Land.”

 

March 29. Day 68. After Ruth Bader Ginsburg and Sonia Sotomayor are arrested, Trump fills three vacancies and the Supreme Court rules abortions illegal and determines voting to be restricted to white male landowners.

 

April 1. Day 71. The President authorizes a nuclear strike against Ottawa, but Secretary of Defense Mad Dog Mattis pulls the plug after figuring out it’s an April Fool’s joke.

 

April 3. Day 73. President Trump tries to throw out the first ball at a windy Washington Senators season home opener but the ball and his hand get stuck in his hair due to an excess of product.

 

April 26. Day 96. The pharmaceutical industry reports record Q1 profits.

 

April 29. Day 99. Trump holds a contest among his Cabinet members to see who can sell the most Subway sandwiches in three hours on the National Mall.

 

April 30. Day 100. Trump tweets that he is bored and wants to quit. The nation is stunned.

 

May 1. Day 1. Mike Pence succeeds Donald Trump as the 46th President of the United States. The nation recoils.

 

 

Will Durst. Will Durst is an award- winning, nationally acclaimed political comic.

 

Go to willdurst.com for more of columns

 

 

© Castro Courier 2014 No part of this website or artwork portrayed may be redistributed or republished without the express permission of the Castro Courier. Opinions expressed are strictly those of the writers and do not reflect the opinions of the publisher or staff.

© Castro Courier 2014